The Moth

I hate moths
However, so I’m told
Hate is a very strong word
So in retrospect I just really, really, really, really don’t like moths
I’d rather spoon a jellyfish
Than be in the same room as a moth
I would rather sky dive
Into a box of sandpaper
Sunburnt, naked
Than be in the same building as a moth
I would rather have a colonoscopy
From Edward Scissorhands
In the dark
Than be in the same street, town or postcode
As a moth
But I don’t hate moths
It’s important to remember that

On this particular encounter
With a moth
I was looking through the bathroom window
Beyond the garden, beyond the hedges
Watching the city lights smoulder
The dwindling country edges
I was swilling my mouth
I was counting to ten
I was checking the mirror
And then checking it again

Realising that my hairline
Is looking more and more
Like a great big capital M
A combed over mess
I digress

But then it happened..

Flapping his gargantuan wings
To my
‘And I promise it was manly’
Screams
And as I was relieving myself
And I missed the marker
Because when it flew in
The room got darker

I ran to the corner
And cowered with fright
It was so big
It was literally head butting the light
It was so big flights at Exeter Airport
were delayed due to interrupted flight paths
It was so big I heard the RAF
Had scrambled two typhoon fighter jets
In a vain attempt to escort it from
UK airspace
It was so big..
You get the point

Then he stood there looking
And I knew something wasn’t right
Then he asked me
If he could stay the night
I was taken aback
I didn’t know what to say
So I said “Sure”
“Why don’t you come this way”
Now he was alright
And not at all rude
He even obliged when I asked him
To remove several pairs of shoes

I pointed to the living room
I said “right, the straight ahead”
You can even fold out the sofa bed
Now I felt good about this
I felt pleased
To give such impromptu hospitality

But then it got bad..

I’ll set the scene
2am, it was obviously late
And he’d decided to throw
A party for his mates!
It was clear
They’d be swinging
From the chandelier
If I had one

There graffiti on the walls
Drinking in the halls
Sex in the kitchen
A complaint from my neighbour
Paul
They were passed out on the lawn
Until the very break of dawn

Now at this point
I was on the verge of going berserk
I said
“I cannot deal with this now
I’m going off to work”

I cam home later that day
And this next bit was a startler
As when I walked in
I found him in bed with my partner

Now in reality this is just a moth
With big beautiful wings
And maybe I do get too wound up
By the most trivial things
This is something I thought I would avoid
Surrounding myself with material possessions
Just to fill the void
Maybe this is it
Maybe I’m living a lie
Then I thought Fuck it!
That thing needs to die!

So I punched him in the nose
And he grabbed me by the shirt
Gave me a roundhouse to the face
And that bloody hurt

So I poked him in the eye
And he slapped me in the head
I got him in a hold
Until I thought that he was dead

But he waited..
Till my back was turned
And grabbed me by the hair
I picked him up
With all my might
And threw him in the air

He crashed into the cupboard
And smashed my favourite mug
“That’s it” I said
I’m going to squash that little bug
He looked, lit a cigarette
And shrugged
“Go on then” he said
“I hope I make a stain on your rug”